It might be illegal tomorrow

"Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow." I've heard it before-- the axiom emphasizes the idea of spontaneity based on risk. But I go one step further. For me, there's something so exciting about doing something that you know is wrong. I'm not talking about anything very illegal, but more along the lines of a relationship... or something. Psychologists have analyzed fantasies to no end, but I argue-- the idea of committing a forbidden act is, in a way, us taking ourselves and making us into the risky people that we want to be. I want to dig into a reoccurring example of this...

I met John the summer before our freshman year. He was going into college, I was going into high school--two incredibly separate levels of maturity. He was a TA at a summer program I was attending. There was a little flirtation, then he gave me his screen name one day, and we began to talk a lot more. We flirted a lot, and it made our days together exciting. We acted normally, but every once in a while we would catch each other's eyes and smirk. Nothing happened, although he asked me out and I wished so badly that I could say yes. He made me feel wanted: sexy and intriguing. It was new, and I liked it. He was that older guy who seemed unattainable. At the time, I was frightened; I knew there was a significant age difference between us. But I kept the memories of us in the back of my head.

Now, his younger sister, Joanne and I are best friends. Really great friends, she is so important to me. We had a mutual really close friend, and once we started to hang out, it just clicked. Then, right as our friendship reached its height, John came home. He and I had kept in touch, we talked on and off. But then we ran into each other at a school event, and the exciting flirtatious air about us came right back. And this time, I wasn't an awkward freshman scared of a physical relationship. There was a big part of me that really wanted something to happen. I wanted to fill that desire that I had been holding for years. The night after we saw each other, we talked online for a while and things got incredibly sexual. Even more, I wanted to see him. We made plans a couple times but had to cancel each time. It turned out he had a girlfriend, which was both disappointing and confusing. I thought about things we had said to each other, and it didn't add up to him being in a successful, committed relationship. But anyway, I went away for the summer, and ran into him once more after school had started again. It was the same as in the spring. I was attracted to him, and this time he was single. But I was too good friends with Joanne. I couldn't do it. Even though she insisted she would be more than okay with it, I just couldn't, I'm not that kind of friend. But now, every once in a while, the idea of him and I comes up. He invited me to a show he was in, and to stay with him at his apartment. I couldn't go, but it was still an interesting exchange. And now, it's one of my most frequent "forbidden fantasies." He's off limits-- he's older, almost out of college, and he's my best friend's brother. But that makes it even more desirable.